What is a Hyrax? You might have seen them on the internet recently. They’re stupid little potato-shaped animals with fangs.
Pros
- NONE
Rock Hyraxes are the lame siblings of Elephants.
The single most disappointing thing about the Hyrax, is the fact that they’re so closely related to Elephants. They’re the tiniest, stupidest relatives of their cooler cousins. You can vaguely see it in their knockoff tusks (long incisors), and padded feet.
But also like elephants, they have a looooong gestation period. It takes 7-8 months to manufacture a few bunny-sized rock rabbit hyrax things. Granted these creatures are stupid and small so no wonder it takes them so long to figure out how to build a new one.
So they’re more like rodents, then?
NO!
Rodents are smart, creative animals that build dens to live in.
Hyraxes just hang out in pre-made caves. They truly are the neanderthal of the rodent family
(but again, they aren’t rodents).
That’s not even a fair comparison, because even the most troglodyte caveman can set up fires. These Hyraxes can’t even regulate their own body temperature. So instead, guess what stupid animals huddle together for warmth, IN AFRICA. THAT’S RIGHT IT’S HYRAXES.
“What is a Hyrax, again?”
-Humans, throughout history
Hyraxes are stupid and forgettable
Even though they’ve been with us since the beginning of humanity, we keep forgetting that these things exist. They’re not cool like Hydras, or even a “Hydrax,” they’re just Hyraxes.
Although, the idea of a Hydrax would make these vampire potato bunny creatures a LOT cooler than they are.
Sometimes we come up with new names for the stupid animals. They’re called “Dassies” in certain parts of the world, or Rock Badgers, Conies, Rabbits, or Shephanim in the Bible…
Look at how dumb this animal is. he’s so stupid.
What is a Hyrax doing in the Bible?
These stupid little badger things are actually in the Bible several times. And while the Bible mistakenly refers to Rock Hyraxes as “wise” for “living amongst the rocks” (Proverbs 30:26), the translations were smart enough to retcon them in later tellings.
Now it’s Badgers.
Hyraxes Badgers are a people not mighty, yet they make their homes in the cliffs.
“The high mountains are for the wild goats. The Rocks are a refuge for the hyraxes rock badgers.” (Psalms 104:18)
I hope that the next release of the Bible says something about “Hyraxes were erased from the holy scripture, but God forgot about them because they’re so stupid. So now they live in rocks,” or something epic like that.
So you might be thinking… thank goodness I already hate Hyraxes. Now give me some more confirmations to confirm these vitriolic biases I have for the stupid little things. Well we got you covered.
- Their common ancestor with their siblings, the Giant Hyracoids were BIG and COOL. While some evolved into other big and cool animals like elephants, Hyraxes are stupid and small now.
- Spain (yucky) is named after Hyraxes. One proposed derivation of Spain is “I-Shpania,” or “island of Hyraxes.”
- Unlike Capybaras, who live in one cool species, Hyraxes needed to split into MULTIPLE species. Some of them don’t even live in Rocks, but in Trees. Are they even TRYING for brand awareness?
So what is a Hyrax? In conclusion, Rock Hyraxes are stupid, weird little animals.
I’d have to rate them 10/10.